Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
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When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
💯😂
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day