Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
You Might Also Like
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Wait for it
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings