Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
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A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Mistakes were made
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address