@ceejoyner

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

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@BabetteJones

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

@SJSchauer

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ?. ?????’?. ???. ???.

@JoParkerBear

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

@JediGigi

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

@juhipande

I woke up because of birds chirping.nI wish I had wings too.nI would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one. n6 am is too early.

@SimplySnaccbar

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

@sleepwalkingdog

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

@BlacB

“I’m in your city”.

me: ok. enjoy it.

@JoshDenny

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

@iAmJuddy

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*