@ceejoyner

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

You Might Also Like

@Jennarater

Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.

@FrazzleMyGimp

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

@DismalChips

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

@HatfieldAnne

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

@WilliamAder

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@GreenishDuck

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

@Reverend_Scott

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

@praisecheese

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

@avxlanche

me: mom i like this person from twitter

mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD

@Tayallderdice

U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months