Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
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just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.