@david_j_roth

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

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@truegritrumble

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

@oxygenplug

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

@chuuew

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

@Schmoodles

Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’

Live & learn, guys.

@dave_cactus

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

@OmgMeDamnit

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

@sickipediabot

So Harry Potter gets an invisibility cloak.. Does he sneak in and watch Hermione getting changed? No, he goes to the library

@captainkalvis

You (someone who flips houses): I flip houses

Me (an idiot): you must be very strong

@roxiqt

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.