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I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I had to Stop for this
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.