I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
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Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Me sliding into hell like
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly