Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
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Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’