@nedroid

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

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@MooseAllain

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

@dragonsorbet

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

@omically

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

@shawn_spree

A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

@Laser_Cat

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

@davidkenny100

Me as the astronaut in that Martian movie:
“Day 1 I have enough food to last 459 days”
“Day 2 I now have enough food to last 170 days”

@Brianhopecomedy

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.