here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
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[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I’m aging like a fine banana
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
and this one
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
My dog ate my work from home.
being a writer on Twitter:
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?