Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
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Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
lol
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)