Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

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Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn


*wife screams*
*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”


Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.


No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything


My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.


YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?


reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”