@BlindVigil

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

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@D_Ciphered

My psychiatrist tells me it’s just transference, but I’m pretty sure I love anyone who will listen to my problems armed with a prescription pad.

@dlockw21

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

@RyanofAvalon

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

@thedad

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

@Kyle_Lippert

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

@ArfMeasures

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

@Thrill_Tweeter

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

@KMoFlo_official

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

@AndyAsAdjective

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*