My psychiatrist tells me it’s just transference, but I’m pretty sure I love anyone who will listen to my problems armed with a prescription pad.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
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Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*