@BlindVigil

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

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@MikeDrucker

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

@DaHess1

I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.

@robfee

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

@YoungHaiderr

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

@Cheeseboy22

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

@madlymomming

The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.

@whatmaddness

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.