Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

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We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?


I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.


No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.


yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.


When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.


The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.


“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.