I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
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Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.
I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Some questions in life you don’t even need to ask. Like when your child tells you they need to go to the store at 8pm to get stuff for a project.
You know 1) they’ve known about it for three weeks and 2) it’s due tomorrow.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: try the coffee.
Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.