@UncleDuke1969

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

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@LizHackett

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

@realHamOnWry

Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.

I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.

@JermHimselfish

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

@causticbob

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

@pattymo

AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series

@HansGrubertron

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

@Divergentmama

Some questions in life you don’t even need to ask. Like when your child tells you they need to go to the store at 8pm to get stuff for a project.

You know 1) they’ve known about it for three weeks and 2) it’s due tomorrow.

@upsidedowntrash

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

@myles_morrison

Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.

@froghammer

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.