here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
You Might Also Like
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Good morning
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.