Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
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Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.