Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
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MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
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