“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
repaired
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”