@versacewolfe

here’s your or-

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@TheAndrewNadeau

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

@CantWaitToNap

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

@VisionBored1

My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying

@JKNenagh

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

@Conchvegas1

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

@markhoppus

I left some avocado toast out on the front porch and in the morning I’d caught three millennials. Paid off their student loans and released them back into the wild. Good kids.

@KateWouldHaveIt

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

@smeagolsfree

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

@Marlebean

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.