here’s your or-

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Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.


Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.


“Hey bro shotgun this beer”
No I don’t drink
“You wanna be cool don’t you?”
I don’t drink
“C’mon NERD!”
Grandma PLEASE stop


They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years


My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.


Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.


OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.


ME: I should get out of bed.
FRIEND: I already ran 9.5 miles and baked 17 cakes.
M: I might shower today.
F: My husband invented showers.


SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and