@versacewolfe

here’s your or-

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@UnFitz

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

@Bandersnaaatch

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

@PuncherJetpack

“Hey bro shotgun this beer”
No I don’t drink
“You wanna be cool don’t you?”
I don’t drink
“C’mon NERD!”
Grandma PLEASE stop

@TheWidowmakerX

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

@LittleMissLizz

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

@BlakWidowBarbee

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

@3sunzzz

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

@MUMSIEesq

ME: I should get out of bed.
FRIEND: I already ran 9.5 miles and baked 17 cakes.
M: I might shower today.
F: My husband invented showers.

@blade_funner

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and