St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
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Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.