Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
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As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Spotted in New Orleans.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.