HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
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You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Netflix and you sit over there.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)