I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Running your mouth is not cardio.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.