@trustinvo When you try to wash a spoon and it wash you back
@DumbConfessions Her:”Let’s make a baby.”
Him: “Okay! Hold on.”
*goes to bathroom*
[5 minutes later.]
Her: “Where’d you go?”
Him: “You meant with you??”
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@trustinvo 
@AimeeHelene1 Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
@philyuck my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples
@ambermruffin OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
@sofarrsogud ‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
@3sunzzz [fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
@McGrumpenstein *a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
@RickAaron My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
@julezmac Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
@briangaar [interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY