@JustHadOneJob
Don’t tell me what to do.
@DumbConfessions
Her:”Let’s make a baby.”
Him: “Okay! Hold on.”
*goes to bathroom*
[5 minutes later.]
Her: “Where’d you go?”
Him: “You meant with you??”
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@JustHadOneJob
@EliTerry
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
@mostly_cheese
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
@PaperWash
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
@Jeff_G_Nixon
“Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!”
CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.
@Tormny_Pickeals
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
@Diversion50
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
@kristinb5150
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
@Social_Mime
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
@ChrisThayerSays
me when I see my crush
