You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
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Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I created you as mosquito food.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
We’re all getting idioter.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you