When you try to wash a spoon and it wash you back
Her:”Let’s make a baby.”
Him: “Okay! Hold on.”
*goes to bathroom*
[5 minutes later.]
Her: “Where’d you go?”
Him: “You meant with you??”
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Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
‘What about earthquakes?’
-Me as a teacher
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.
We’re on the 12th floor…
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY