[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
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me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
ouch
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I think my mom just blocked me
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”