@TheAlexNevil

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

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@Havish_AF

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

@malt_skull

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

@ArfMeasures

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

@Jamberee13

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

@Marlebean

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

@DrDogMD

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

@DrRocktopoid

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.

@FredTaming

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time