Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
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Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Saw online –
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working