If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Me: I’m in trouble.
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
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[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
“Now, tell me I’m pretty”
-me as a hypnotist
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time