“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
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*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those