Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
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Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
good work, detective
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.