Heroic Misunderstanding
You Might Also Like
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.