“The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
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His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i’m leaving
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I grew up in a time where your mothers saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon