Heroic Misunderstanding
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Huge, if true.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?