@daemonic3

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

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@NewDadNotes

Daughter: should I kill my enemies with kindness?

Me: that’s the last thing you should do.

Daughter: oh.

Me: first fight them with forgiveness.

Daughter:

Me: stab them with a smile.

Daughter:

Me: bludgeon them with inner beauty.

Daughter:

Me: then kill them with kindness

@TheBoydP

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

@KimmyMonte

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

@goodballs

How to get out of a bad date.

1. Pull fake baby out of your bag.
2. Tell your date to help pick a name.
3. Start taking family photos.

@curiousteej

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

@mrjohndarby

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

@HousewifeOfHell

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

@thegreatnanak

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

@amydillon

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

@AmoNickk

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face