Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
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[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.