*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot

*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

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Daughter: should I kill my enemies with kindness?

Me: that’s the last thing you should do.

Daughter: oh.

Me: first fight them with forgiveness.


Me: stab them with a smile.


Me: bludgeon them with inner beauty.


Me: then kill them with kindness


*spins in circles*


*gets stuck in corner*


*spins in circle*


[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]


{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers


How to get out of a bad date.

1. Pull fake baby out of your bag.
2. Tell your date to help pick a name.
3. Start taking family photos.


Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish


[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand


Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.



Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.


“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.


Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face