experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
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*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I hope they boil the right one.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Sending in my taxes
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.