He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
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Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(