a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
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GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.