No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
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Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
What my back needs
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Anime is real
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.