He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
You Might Also Like
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
bout dat hot dog summer
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze