He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
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BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
God has abandoned us.
welcome back