@tequilasaltlife

He’s going to change just for you?

Wow, you must be a very special kind of stupid

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@TweetsByTheTony

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

@sweatyhairy

Y’all ever look at old pictures of yourself and think “damn ppl really let me walk around like that” but then u look in the mirror and think “damn it’s happening again”

@noog

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

@ruinedpicnic

some people want to be buried when they die. others want to be cremated. personally, I think I would like to be brought back to life

@ADHDeanASL

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

@CantWaitToNap

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

@jxckcper

I’m laughing so hard. I was trying to take cute pictures and she saw the neighbourhood cat she fights with 😂🥺

@BoomBoomBetty

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

@JermHimselfish

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

@McCPeggy

My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That’s why I take so many naps.