He’s going to change just for you?

Wow, you must be a very special kind of stupid

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I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, Shark! Help!

I just laughed, i knew that Shark wasn’t going to help him.


me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]


Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most


Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?


I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?


Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno


Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.



BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.