So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”
-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
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Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.