“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
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8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
even bears disappoint their mothers
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.