There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”
-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
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“Nope, it needs more vowels”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
me: this is free, right?
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
the bad guy ships on star trek werent actually “cloaking” they just turned all their lights off
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said