@McNarstle

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

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@noduffers

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

@bourgeoisalien

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

@difficultpatty

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

@DaddyBeerGuy

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

@kimtopher22

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

@kelkulus

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

@Contwixt

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.