@McNarstle

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

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@1CleverClogs

I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you’d better do what I meant and not what I said.

@stayathomies

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

@RUAg4mer

I don’t always whoop.

But when i do.. there it is

@InternetHippo

If you bought more toilet paper than you need legally I’m allowed to come poop at your house

@UnfilteredMama

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

@NewDadNotes

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

@TheMichaelRock

News: Don’t panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don’t panic though.

@GriffonTaylonYo

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

@HatfieldAnne

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen