He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
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Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
An odd boast
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My Plans 2020
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE