@michell01235876

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

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@wendchymes

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

@Parentpains

I’m not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.

@lincnotfound

[alternate lobster universe]

lobster king: send them in

[3 nervous humans are brought in by lobster guards]

lobster king: *without hesitation* INTO THE POT

@nerdreign

Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It’s like God doesn’t trust us to write our own jokes.

@AimeeHelene1

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

@KateWhineHall

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

@TheBoydP

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

@TheHatStore

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

@knot_eye

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

@Norsebysw

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.