He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

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* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat


I’m not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.


[alternate lobster universe]

lobster king: send them in

[3 nervous humans are brought in by lobster guards]

lobster king: *without hesitation* INTO THE POT


Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It’s like God doesn’t trust us to write our own jokes.


*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*


I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.


The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.


[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it


Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO


Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.