@_Tempo11

HE’S SUPER FRIENDLY I yell as my big black dog runs full speed toward a group of screaming toddlers

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@bruinsphan_24

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

@BromanConsul

“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Hasn’t decided yet,” I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A “FRIDGE 2016” banner hangs above him

@LVMelL0

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

@jonnysun

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

@nyquills

Wife: we need to talk about your childish behavior.

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: *sigh* we need to talk about your childish behavior… Over.

Me: *clicking walkie talkie* please bring a PBJ up to the tree house and we’ll negotiate, over.

@LilBlueBlood

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

@luckyshirt

I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.

Which is why I eat well-loved children.

@HomeWithPeanut

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.