He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
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We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Shoo shoo! 😂
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.