He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
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When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..