Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.