@hippieswordfish

hey, a mime!
*mime starts having heart attack*
hes pretending to die lol
*mime collapses*
*hours later still watching his body*
wow hes good

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@o__0Dev

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

@FauxFawx

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

@G_Faylor

[pulls meatloaf out of oven]

he’s still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever

@SonOfCha

They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.

@billwurtz

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

@maughammom

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

@tastefactory

Hey water enhancer company, you could have made your pineapple flavor literally any other color.

@TheHyyyype

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

@77StephanieG77

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

@KyleSmells

[god inventing sleep]

god: people can have a little death, as a treat