Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
You Might Also Like
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
*offers Batman cough drops*
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.