Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
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“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
This probably isn’t good
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1