Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
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Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like?
Izzy: Pretty girls?
Axl: Nice lawns!
Axl: Green grass!
“Grass is alw-”
Axl: JUST WRITE IT
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[on an airplane]
passenger: hm, i can’t think of a witty caption for this photo
attendant: IS THERE A COPYWRITER ON BOARD?
my dad: that should have been you
me, a doctor: not now dad
my dad: go see if an appendectomy will help
Every time I get a call from an unknown number I add them to my emergency contacts because I thrive on chaos.
Coworker: You’re very immature.
Me: You’re very observant.
[watching lion king]
TIMON: hakuna matata
ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries
TIMON: it means no worries
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you