Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

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If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”


moses: 9 commandments, goddamn that’s a lot of rules



*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.


explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”


“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy


Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.


Jack LaLanne died two years ago and he’s still in better shape than I am.


Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here


I’m always careful with women that do not speak to me even after the 4th date.