@TheRealRHB

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

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@Douchekevin

Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.

@NicCageMatch

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

@robfee

Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like?
Izzy: Pretty girls?
“Yeah!”
Axl: Nice lawns!
“Huh?”
Axl: Green grass!
“Grass is alw-”
Axl: JUST WRITE IT

@stephenjmolloy

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

@nateandmufasa

[on an airplane]

passenger: hm, i can’t think of a witty caption for this photo

attendant: IS THERE A COPYWRITER ON BOARD?

my dad: that should have been you

me, a doctor: not now dad

my dad: go see if an appendectomy will help

@DammitErin

Every time I get a call from an unknown number I add them to my emergency contacts because I thrive on chaos.

@trojansauce

[watching lion king]
TIMON: hakuna matata
ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries
TIMON: it means no worries
ME: see?

@T_Bonezzz_

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you