Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
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“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
unbelievably distressed by this ad
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.