@VashWdsUnspoken

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

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@RandomAntics

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

@CrockettForReal

You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.

@batkaren

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

@rad_milk

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

@jazz_inmypants

PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook

CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?

PETER PAN: yeah

CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?

PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-

CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad

@4SLars

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

@iamspacegirl

autocorrect: Tim!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is TOM we know him.

autocorrect*growling*: Tim.

me *spritzing phone with water*: NO.

@treydayway

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

@Brampersandon_

PAPA JOHNS EMPLOYEE: what can I get you
ME: I’ll take a large *forgetting the word pizza* cheese frisbee