Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
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a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂