@Sickayduh

Hey, are you a broadleaved deciduous hardwood tree?

BIRCH I MIGHT BE

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@chefelicious

I finished 3 books today, and believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

@DoogieHorner

Dogs are “practice babies” and cats are “practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with.”

@MarfSalvador

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

@NicestHippo

[guy who named the bedroom gets home]
Honey? Our son got in trouble at the learnroom. His teacher called while I was driving in my wheelsbox

@KattsDogma

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

@E_lok44

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

@mattZillaaaa

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.