“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
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whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is