“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

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[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please


Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise


It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.


Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.


Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”


My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”


The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.


Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*



We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.