Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
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my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct