Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
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Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!